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• The Lady-Killer of Seville and His Graven Guest, Or: To Death with Bated Breath : ACT ONE Scene One , ACT ONE Scene Three , ACT THREE Scene Seven

The Lady-Killer of Seville and His Graven Guest, Or: To Death with Bated Breath , translated by Michael Kidd

ACT ONE Scene One

Context:

This is the beginning of the play, just before daybreak in a room near the King's chambers in the Royal Palace, Naples. A balcony projecting from the room overlooks a garden. The set is dark. [Note: stage directions in square brackets are interpolations of the translator.]

Sample text

(Enter DON JUAN and DUCHESS ISABELLA.)

ISABELLA:

Duke Octavio, this way will lead you out more safely.

DON JUAN:

Duchess, I again promise you my hand in marriage.

ISABELLA:

Are so many promises, offerings, gifts, compliments, and expressions of goodwill and friendship to be trusted, my dear?

DON JUAN:

Yes, my love.

ISABELLA:

I wish to light a candle.

DON JUAN:

What for?

ISABELLA:

So that my soul may bear witness to the rapture I've just experienced.

DON JUAN:

I'll extinguish your light!

ISABELLA:

Oh, heavens! Who are you, man?

DON JUAN:

Who? Just a man, no name.

ISABELLA:

You mean you're not the duke?

DON JUAN:

No.

ISABELLA:

Palace guards, come quickly!

DON JUAN:

Stop! Give me your hand, duchess.

ISABELLA:

Don't touch me, you swine! Where are the King's ministers! Soldiers, anyone, help!

(Enter the KING OF NAPLES with a lighted candle.)

KING:

What's going on here?

ISABELLA:

Help!

[Aside, recognizing the KING.] Oh, what miserable luck! It's the King himself!

KING:

What's going on?

DON JUAN:

What else? A man and a woman.

KING: [Aside.]

This calls for a measure of prudence.

[Shouts offstage.] Guards! Arrest this man!

[ISABELLA recoils to one side of the stage.]

(Enter DON PEDRO, the Spanish Ambassador, and GUARDS.)

DON PEDRO:

What's the meaning of these shouts in your chamber, Your Highness?

KING:

Don Pedro Tenorio, I'm charging you with this matter, for your hands can resolve it more cleanly than mine. Find out who these two are, but do so secretly, for I sense a scandal in the making, and I want no one else to know what I've seen here. (Exit.)

DON PEDRO: [To the GUARDS.]

Arrest him.

DON JUAN:

You wouldn't dare! You might take my life, but only at a price that will ruin whoever pays!

DON PEDRO:

Kill him.

DON JUAN:

Fine. I'm resolved to die like a knight. But let it be before the Spanish ambassador alone.

DON PEDRO: [To the GUARDS.]

Dismissed. Retire to that room with the woman.

ISABELLA: (Aside.)

I'll have to reveal my identity before my offense shouts it for all to hear, for today I'm both without honor and without Duke Octavio.

(Exit ISABELLA and the GUARDS.)

DON PEDRO:

We're alone now, so show me if there's anything behind those hotheaded words of yours.

DON JUAN:

There's plenty, but I can't direct it against an uncle.

DON PEDRO:

Tell me who you are.

DON JUAN:

I just told you: your nephew.

DON PEDRO:

Oh, my heart grows weak! What treachery is this! What have you done, you villain! Why are you dressed like that? Tell me immediately what this is about. What reckless disobedience! I could kill you! Speak!

DON JUAN:

My uncle and lord, you were once a young man as I am now, and given that you knew the passion of love, let love come to my defense. And since you order me to speak the truth, listen and I'll tell you: I deceived and ravished Duchess Isabella.

DON PEDRO:

Stop right there, don't go on! How did you manage it? Speak quietly or not at all.

DON JUAN:

I pretended to be Duke Octavio.

DON PEDRO:

Say no more, that's enough! I'm finished if the King finds out about this! What am I to do? Such a serious matter calls for ingenuity. Tell me, you scoundrel, wasn't the appalling treachery of your escapade with that noblewoman in Spain enough for you? Now you show up in Naples, in the royal palace no less, with a woman as distinguished as Isabella? May the heavens punish you, for God's sake! Your father sent you to Naples from Castile, and the frothy waters of the Italian sea offered you footing at their shores, expecting you to show gratitude for the warm welcome. And instead you offend Italy's honor through your exploits with such a distinguished woman! But digression can only harm us at this point. Tell me what do you propose to do.

DON JUAN:

I shall not offer you an excuse, for it would be disingenuous. Your blood runs through my veins, my lord; spill it, that it may avenge my offense. I am at your mercy; here is my sword. [He kneels.]

DON PEDRO:

Rise and summon your courage; your humility has overcome me. Would you dare to jump over that balcony?

DON JUAN: [Risiing.]

I would, for your favor has given me wings.

DON PEDRO:

Then I shall help you. Flee to Sicily or Milan and keep out of sight.

DON JUAN:

I'll go at once.

DON PEDRO:

Truly?

DON JUAN:

Truly.

DON PEDRO:

My letters will inform you of the outcome of this unfortunate situation you've caused.

DON JUAN: (Aside.)

Unfortunate for you, delightful for me!

(To DON PEDRO.) I confess my guilt.

Copyright

The above sample taken from the translation The Lady-Killer of Seville and His Graven Guest, Or: To Death with Bated Breath by Michael Kidd is licensed under a Creative Commons License.

ACT ONE Scene Three

Context:

Don Juan has fled Naples along with his servant, Chicken. En route to Spain, their ship capsizes near Tarragona on the northeast coast. It is daybreak.

Sample text

(Enter the fisherwoman THISBEE, a fishing pole in her hand.)

THISBEE:

I—of all the girls whose jasmine- and rose-colored feet tread the seashore's colorful blanket of sand—I am as unique in my good fortune as in my exemption from love, whose mad shackles I tyrannically resist. Here, where the sun treads upon the sleepy waters, cheering with sapphire the waves cowed by darkness; here, amid the vast sands, whether pearly white or bathed in the sun's loving glow; here, listening to the plaintive love songs of the birds and the sweet discord of the waves crashing among the rocks; here do I, in a delicate skiff and in the company of other girls, set out perchance to brush the frothy head of the sea. Whether wielding the limber pole that bends to the weight of the tender fish as it thrashes the surface of the salty sea, or plying the casting net that snares however many fish chance to be in their deep lairs of conch shells, my body is safe and my soul rejoices in liberty, immune to the venom of love's bite. A thousand times do I count myself blessed, Love, that you spare me your embrace; though my humble hut does not entirely escape your influence, for its straw roof serves as a nest, if not to the storks then to the passionate turtledoves. The same straw insulates my innocence from attack just as it keeps a tender fruit from bruising or a glass ornament from shattering; I am thus a lovely bane on all the fisherman whose torches defend Tarragona's silvery coasts from pirate attacks, for I am deaf to their laments, callous to their entreaties, and impervious to their promises. And when their amorous supplications reach frenzy, I become like a river, awash in the desires of men and the envy of women. Anfrisso—a fisherman endowed by the heavens with a grace and elegance far exceeding that of his peers, at once measured in his words, generous in his actions, tolerant of censure, and slow to anguish—circles my straw-colored hut nightly, heedless of the icy winds, and rejuvenates it with green branches cut from the elm trees, to whose flattery my old thatch roof awakens every morning. With sweet lutes and subtle pan pipes he sings to me, yet none of it gains him advantage because mine is a tyrannical empire that scoffs at Love, finding pleasure in Anfrisso's sufferings and glory in his torments. While the other girls are dying for him, I'm killing him constantly with my contempt—which comes, after all, as second nature to love; hence he who despises is desired, he who adores is scorned, solicitous words are received like death, and loathing breathes new life into the suitor. Happily immune to flattery, my youthful years are unspoiled by love; and at such an alluring age as mine it's no small stroke of luck, Love, to make a living off nets and snares without falling prey to yours! But such foolish talk distracts me from my work, so I must desist from these banalities; I shall cast my line to the wind and plant its bait before the mouths of the fish. But what's this! Two men hurl themselves into the water before the sea engulfs their flooded ship, lodged on the rocks of a jagged reef. Like the tail of a lovely peacock its sails fan out, attracting the wary eyes of its crew; but as it digs into the waves, the proud display slowly vanishes. Water now inundates its belly; it has sunk, leaving its wreckage to the reckless winds.

CHICKEN: (Offstage.)

I'm drowning!

THISBEE:

One man helps the other, who says he's drowning. What gallantry! Just like Aeneas as he carried his father on his back out of Troy, if the sea can now be compared to Troy. The one swims, courageously cutting through the waves, but there's no one on shore to offer help. Thyrseo, Anfrisso, Alfredo, help! Some of the fisherman are looking my way; let's hope to God they can hear me! Yet miraculously, the two men have now reached the shore—the swimmer has collapsed, and the fellow he saved is dragging him ashore!

(Enter CHICKEN, carrying the body of DON JUAN.)

CHICKEN:

Sweet bejeezus, that sea is salty, and this beach is a lifesaver! Only a fool would want to swim in that brew of death! Why would God create so much of it? Why not turn some of it into wine? No one needs this much water—especially salt water—unless he's a fisherman. Fresh water's bad enough! Oh, what I'd give for a nice fire and a jug of wine right about now! One thing's for sure: if I survive all the water I've just drunk, I'm giving it up for the rest of my life. I can't even bear the thought of baptism! Oh, master! He's as cold as ice. Could he be dead? The sea is responsible for this madness, and I share in the blame. Damn the first person who planted pines on the sea and charted its waters in hulls of brittle timber! Damn the compass whose needle gone awry, like that of an evil seamstress, sews such calamity! Damn Jason and his Argonauts! My master's dead. This is unbelievable! Oh, miserable me, what am I to do now? No wonder they call me Chickenshit!

THISBEE:

What ails you, my dear man?

CHICKEN:

A lack, my dear fisherwoman, of good to balance the evils that hideous misfortune has heaped upon me. My master is dead for having saved my life: behold and you'll see it's so.

THISBEE:

Not so: he's still breathing.

CHICKEN:

Where through? [Pointing to the mouth.] Here?

THISBEE:

Yes, of course. Where else?

CHICKEN:

I could think of another place.

THISBEE:

Idiot!

Copyright

The above sample taken from the translation The Lady-Killer of Seville and His Graven Guest, Or: To Death with Bated Breath by Michael Kidd is licensed under a Creative Commons License.

ACT THREE Scene Seven

Context:

Don Juan is confronted by the ghost of Don Gonzalo, a nobleman he has killed and father to one of the women he has dishonored. It is evening, in a church in Seville that houses the monument erected to Don Gonzalo.

Sample text

(Enter DON GONZALO'S STATUE, stepping into the path of DON JUAN and CHICKEN.)

DON JUAN:

Who goes there?

STATUE:

It is I.

CHICKEN:

I'm finished!

STATUE:

I am the dead man; have no fear. I didn't think you'd keep your word, given how you mock everyone.

DON JUAN:

Do you suppose me a coward?

STATUE:

Yes, for you fled from me the night you killed me.

DON JUAN:

I fled from the law. But you have me now before you. State quickly what it is you want.

STATUE:

I want to invite you to dinner.

CHICKEN:

Let's pass on dinner, master. It's all likely to be spoiled, for I don't see a kitchen anywhere nearby.

DON JUAN:

We accept your invitation.

STATUE:

You'll have to move that tomb out of the way.

DON JUAN:

I'll move the pillars as well, if you wish.

STATUE:

You show bravery.

DON JUAN:

A mighty heart animates my flesh.

CHICKEN:

What a shadowy dinner! Don't the dead enjoy light?

STATUE:

Sit.

DON JUAN:

Where?

CHICKEN:

Here come two shadowy figures with chairs. (Enter two MOURNERS carrying chairs.) I guess people here, too, mourn the dead in the latest dour fashions from Flanders.

STATUE: [To CHICKEN.]

You, too: sit down!

CHICKEN:

My lord, I had a snack this afternoon. You go ahead and dine with your guest.

STATUE:

Must I get angry? Don't talk back to me!

CHICKEN:

I won't.

[Aside.] God save me from this mess!

What's in this dish, my lord?

STATUE:

Scorpions and vipers.

CHICKEN:

Mmmm…perfect for the hearty appetite! Is the wine good, my lord?

STATUE:

Try it.

CHICKEN: [Sipping the wine.]

It tastes of bile and vinegar.

STATUE:

Straight from the presses of the underworld. [To DON JUAN.] You're not eating?

DON JUAN:

I'll eat whatever hellish dish you care to offer me, bite by poisonous bite.

STATUE:

I also have some music planned for you.

(Song.) Beware all those who have
The laws of God ignored,
For endings always come
And debts are always scored.

CHICKEN:

This is not good, for the love of Christ—the lyrics are about us!

DON JUAN:

My heart has frozen over.

(Song.) As long as one has life
Let him not dare to say
'I'll pay my debts anon!'
When debts are owed today.

CHICKEN:

What's in this stew?

STATUE:

Hooves.

CHICKEN:

Cloven, I'm guessing.

DON JUAN:

I've finished eating. Have them clear the table.

STATUE:

Give me your hand, have no fear. Give me your hand.

DON JUAN:

How dare you suggest such a thing! What fear? [He extends his hand and the STATUE seizes it.] It burns, stop!

STATUE:

This is nothing compared to the fire you've brought upon yourself. God works in mysterious ways, Don Juan, and He desires that you pay for your errors at the hands of a dead man. In this way you'll pay for all the women whose honor you've destroyed. This is the Lord's work: To the degree you stray, thus shall you pay.

DON JUAN:

I'm burning alive, stop squeezing my hand! [He stabs clumsily at the STATUE.] I shall kill you with my dagger; but—oh! what's this?—the blade falls through thin air! I didn't deflower your daughter, for she recognized the deception in time.

STATUE:

It matters not; your intention was clear.

DON JUAN:

Allow me to confess to someone who can forgive my sins!

STATUE:

There's no time; you've waited too long to think about such matters.

DON JUAN:

But I'm on fire, I'm burning alive, it's killing me! (He falls dead.)

CHICKEN:

There is no escape; I, too, must die here, for I was party to your sins.

STATUE:

This is the Lord's work: To the degree you stray, thus shall you pay.

(With deafening noise, the tomb is swallowed into the earth along with DON JUAN and the STATUE. CHICKEN crawls to safety.)

CHICKEN:

God help me! What am I witnessing? The whole chapel's ablaze, my master's dead, and I'm the only one left to explain what happened. I'll have to inform his father even if it means crawling the whole way. Saint George, Saint Agnus Dei, get me out of here in one piece! (Exit.)

Copyright

The above sample taken from the translation The Lady-Killer of Seville and His Graven Guest, Or: To Death with Bated Breath by Michael Kidd is licensed under a Creative Commons License.

Entry written by Kathleen Jeffs. Last updated on 10 March 2011.

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